| Apples Rising by Michael Maciel As parents, we provide the context, not the script, within which our children compose their lives. The spirit within each child has its own script and craves the autonomy with which to follow it. It instinctively knows, however, that it needs structure in its earthly life in order to flourish. Our job as parents is to provide that structure without trying to rewrite the script. Children rely totally on the context we provide them. This is what defines them as children. What makes them divine beings is the script written in their souls. We must never try to rewrite that script, lest we force them into a life of rebellion. Children must be free to discover it for themselves. This doesn't mean that we should let them wander, however. If we do, they will grow up resenting us for not providing the structure that, as children, they have a right to expect. We should never try to dictate to our children what they should like or how they should feel. These aspects are beyond our control. Besides, the core values that we so desperately try to plant within them are already there. They have to be; otherwise, they would not have chosen us as their parents. Round pegs can only fit through round holes. Of course, this means that parents who are untrue to their own core values will eventually catch hell from their children, whose souls are too fresh to tolerate gross inauthenticity. Parent, heal thyself If we revel in our kids' unfoldment, they will remind us who we really are, and we will share our lives with them in mutual self-discovery. But, if we resist our own true nature, we will also resist theirs, and thus turn our shared experience into open warfare. The words "our own true nature" have a wonderfully spiritual ring to them, don't they? Unfortunately, or fortunately (who can say?) we pass on our shortcomings, as well as our strengths, to our progeny. And part of their job, apparently, is to mirror those back to us with extreme prejudice. You know the saying: "Insanity is hereditary, we get it from our kids." It should be amended to say, "...we get it back from our kids." Coming to grips with this bit of cosmic inconvenience is the beginning of true humility in our parenting career. To deny our weaknesses only exacerbates the "hell" side of the parent/child relationship. To acknowledge our weaknesses is the beginning of forgiveness and, from there, to healing. The so-called rift between our children and us actually is a bridge. By insisting that their problems are "unrelated" to our own is to invite certain misery for all. The apple not only doesn't fall far from the tree, it points back to it, saying, "I am the fruit thereof!" Of course, this is no excuse for the apple, as much as the apple would like it to be. The commandment "Honor thy father and mother" could be rewritten as "Blame not thy father and mother for your problems, you ungrateful little...." All of this back-and-forth business just shows how interesting life can be. As parents, we walk a tightrope stretched between the branches of our family tree, between history and potential, between what has been and what can be. To the extent that we can live up to our soul's highest aspirations, and to the extent that we can resist the urge to fall into self-condemnation (the ego's refuge of last resort), the more able we are to rescue our kids from their woes, and ourselves from spiritual entropy. Such a challenge! Who's the boss? True parental authority is like a vacuum. It draws out the potential in our children and shapes it within a context. It quietly insists that all aspects of the budding personality be drawn out into expression. It doesn't suppress those aspects, neither does it seek to superimpose a counterfeit personality upon that which is already there. As we are true to the values that in-form us, and as we live them, so will we impart those values to our children. Herein lies the strength of our authority. Whenever we try to merely "point the way" to righteousness, our children lose faith. Quiet heroism, the kind displayed in ordinary, everyday life, is both compelling and inspiring. As they watch us sacrifice our lesser desires to our higher principles, they will learn the value of effort and develop their own inner strength. It is up to us as parents to consistently demonstrate loyalty to our higher vision of life, and not merely preach it. No one Is childless There are other ways of being a parent. Maybe you are an author who gives birth to a story, a composer who brings forth music into the world or a salesperson enlarging your company's family of clients. Whatever it is that you do, whatever it is that you generate, the fruits of your labors are your children, and they have a life of their own. Our children's success is ensured by our patience to allow their potential to unfold from within. The serpent is wise to let its young find their own way out of the confines of their shells. The dove gently protects her eggs until they are ready to hatch, and even then refrains from pushing them out of the nest until they are ready. Honor thy father and mother Finally, we must parent ourselves by allowing our own true nature, which is also divine, to unfold from within us. We must give ourselves space to grow, unencumbered by pre-defined roles and counterfeit obligations. At the same time, we have to acknowledge and respect the context that has shaped the external latticework of our lives. As the saying "The apple does not fall far from the tree" implies, it's useless to try to escape the context into which we are born, because it is hard-wired into us. It is far better to use it as a platform on which to stand. This is nature's design: to provide a way for each generation to stand upon the shoulders of its predecessors so that it can reach farther and higher. To resent our upbringing and our forebears is to deny ourselves this inborn advantage. We must provide this same advantage to our children by letting them know that we support them in their self-unfoldment. Things to "Allow Space for" in Your Children • The ability to work with their hands • Musical ability • Artistic appreciation • The ability to make friends • Fundamental optimism • Being comfortable in their body • A good imagination Do not try to introduce: • The ability to discriminate between good and evil. Rather, develop appreciation for the good. Avoid, as much as possible, exposure to the ugly, tasteless, violent, inane and cruel. • Too much mental ability. Rather emphasize the heart, the imagination, wonder, curiosity and joy. The human brain has its own developmental timetable. Premature intellectual stimulation can greatly disrupt it. • Too much sense of duty or responsibility. These require a solid foundation of love and joy during early years. • Prejudice. "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Your child will inevitably adopt some prejudices from his or her peers. Counter with emphasis on fairness and appreciation for diversity. Avoid words like respect, which fall under the category of "duty." If your child hears you making derogatory comments about the cultural differences of others, he or she will eventually adopt your attitudes, and no amount of preaching about the need to "respect others" will override your example. The most important thing we can do for our children is to exalt the Good in their eyes. Let evil die of starvation by denying it a place in your young child's awareness. When they are older, and the ability to discriminate between right and wrong begins to awaken, introduce morality tales and the respect for others. Michael Maciel lives in Omaha, Nebr., and is the author of the website INTU, located at www.intu.org. Ordained in 1972, Mike has led seminars and classes in Omaha and Kansas City for the past 10 years. He specializes in the interpretation of ancient spiritual teachings in the light of contemporary scientific understanding. Copyright © 2001 Michael Maciel |
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