| Just Let Whatever Happens Be OK
Mind chatter | by Bill Harris I've had such tremendous response to my article in the last issue about my Nine Principles that I thought I would expand on each of them in a nine-part series. These principles are one of those easy/hard things in life -- easy once you master them, seemingly impossible before you "get" them. But if you can live your life by these principles, everything flows, suffering is minimal, and what seemed to be problems melt away. Each of these principles looks at a different facet of the same diamond -- the diamond of expanded awareness and conscious, happy, living. The reason some of these principles seem hard to master is that a part of us fears that following them will actually make things worse ("There's no choice. I have to do it this way!"). This is, once again, the old issue of our internal map of reality being constructed so as to help us be safe in our family while growing up. Even though we may be grown and away from our family, changing it seems unsafe -- at least to the unconscious mind. So be forewarned that you might have some resistance to mastering some of these principles. Also take note that the more resistance you feel, the greater the potential benefit, since the resistance is a sign that the principle in question is a real issue for you. Also, cut yourself some slack as you embark on mastering these principles. Though they can be mastered in the twinkling of an eye, in real life they generally take some time. You will find yourself slipping up over and over. Let that be OK. You'll go through several stages with each principle. Stage One is Unconscious Incompetence, where you don't follow the principle and don't even know you're not following it. Stage Two is Conscious Incompetence, which is where you probably will be after reading this article. You aren't following the principle, but you are conscious of that fact. Stage Three is Conscious Competence, where you can follow it, but only while you are paying attention to it and consciously making yourself follow it. Stage Four is where you have consciously followed the principle so consistently that you now can follow it without thinking about it. The first principle is that of "letting whatever happens be OK." The amount that people suffer in their lives is directly related to how much they are resisting the fact that "things are the way they are." This has got to be one of the KEY pieces of human wisdom. If there is suffering or discomfort, there is resistance to the way things are. Period. To master this principle, addictions or attachments to things being other than they are must be upgraded to preferences. This means that when "what is" is not what you want, you do not suffer over it (get angry, sad, fearful, anxious and so on), and your happiness and inner peace are therefore not controlled by forces outside of you. You prefer things to be such and so, but you're not attached to them being that way. To the degree a person is willing and able to let whatever happens be okay, they do not suffer. It's as simple as that. People with many rules about how things are supposed to be will suffer more, because no matter how much care they take to protect their rules, and see that they are followed, both by themselves and by others, these rules are often violated. These rules are part of that map of reality I mentioned above that we create during childhood in order to be/feel safe in our family. In any family, you are "safer" (or at least it seems so) if you follow the rules. In some families, there are few rules about how things are "supposed" to be, or how people are supposed to behave. In these families, children learn to flow with and react to whatever happens with a certain amount of psychological and behavioral creativity and resiliency. In others, there are many, many rules (sometimes rules about everything). In these families, responses are more automatic and pre-programmed, which stifles the in-born ability to resiliently deal with things as they arise in a creative and authentic manner. Sometimes, the rules are constantly shifting, or are illogical, unfair, or cruel, or impossible to actually follow, which can great create fear and anxiety. Living "according to the rules" has a certain appeal, because you don't have to think about each situation and come up with a more creative response. Instead, you just follow the rules. It's life lived by a formula or recipe. Unfortunately, no rules can cover the nuances of each potential situation, other people often don't know the "correct" recipe for how to behave (what's wrong with them?), and your responses become robotic and predictable and often not well suited to the situation. Worse, the more often someone or some thing is always breaking them, and the more that happens the more you end up pissed off, anxious, sad, afraid or experiencing some other kind of suffering. If you could let it be OK when someone breaks one of your rules, you wouldn't have to suffer. (Of course they wouldn't really be rules, then, would they?) This doesn't mean a person can't be goal-oriented and work toward making things the way they want them to be. But the emotionally healthy person prefers the outcome they seek rather than being emotionally attached to it. That means they work toward what they want but, whatever the outcome, they maintain their equanimity and inner peace. This approach, then, is not fatalism, or disinterest in the outcome, but rather a decision not to let the outcome throw you off-center. This is the meaning of upgrading your attachments to preferences, and the meaning of the "non-attachment" spoken of in Eastern philosophy (and spoken of in Christianity and other religions in other ways). The key to handling challenging thoughts, situations and feelings is therefore not in resisting them, but rather in becoming as fully accepting of them as possible. Accept what you think and feel, and what happens around you, even if what you think and feel is uncomfortable or what is happening is not as you would have preferred. Here, then, is a KEY point. (So pay attention!) Though it looks as if our discomfort is created by the thing we don't like, or are otherwise resisting, in actual fact the discomfort we feel is 98-99 percent (maybe even 100 percent) caused by our resistance to it, and only 1-2 percent (or none at all?) from what is being resisted. When we stop resisting, the discomfort stops also. It may look like the person, thing, event, or whatever, is creating our discomfort, but it really is our reaction to it, our unwillingness to accept it, that creates the discomfort. Everyone has had something happen in their life that they strongly resisted, but ultimately came to terms with -- a relationship that ended, for instance. At first, you go through all kinds of suffering, but at a certain point you move on and accept what has happened. At that exact moment, the suffering stops. Similarly, we've all heard of people who find out they dying from a fatal illness, and who become totally peaceful about it once they accept the fact that it is happening. It's not what happens that creates our suffering, it's our reaction to it! Through acceptance, you empower yourself to heal, transform or release any unresolved mental or emotional material. Unless and until you can accept what you think and feel as a perfect manifestation of reality, you will remain attached to toxic attitudes and beliefs. But by being fully present to, and accepting of, your thoughts and feelings, you open the pathway for the unconscious to reorganize itself to progressively higher levels of functioning. When you sense discomfort you are sensing resistance. When you sense resistance, meet it with acceptance. Ironically, once you stop resisting, you are much more effective in creating any external change you may have a preference for (not an attachment to). This all ends up being nothing but platitudes if you don't take a definite step to put it into practice. One thing that helps, of course, is daily meditation, especially with the Holosync® audio technology we use at Centerpointe Research Institute, and which dramatically accelerates the meditation process. Stimulating the brain with Holosync creates the kind of expanded awareness that makes it progressively easier to let whatever happens be okay. The second thing you can do is to watch yourself, with great curiosity, as you resist -- in other words, become more aware of the Let Whatever Happens Be OK principle, and practice being more aware of how and when you resist. One way to do this is to write the principle on a 3x5 card. Carry it with you and read the principle several times throughout the day. Then, each time you find yourself violating the principle, make a mark on the card. When you find yourself following it, make a mark on the other side. In other words, keep score. This simple procedure will cause you to be more aware of your resistance, and as you do so, your resistance will diminish -- and so will the amount you suffer. An even more powerful approach is to adopt what I call the witness perspective. When you find yourself resisting (and, therefore, suffering in some way) don't try to stop resisting (which would only be more resistance). Instead, watch your resistance with curiosity, as if you were a scientist watching someone else's inner process. This watching, without any agenda for what should be happening, is the beginning of what mystics call expanded awareness. The 3x5 card exercise is really a way to get you to begin watching. If resistance is the poison, witnessing is the antidote. Highly evolved persons are firmly established in the witness all the time, and in terms of ending discomfort and suffering in your life, watching the world from the witness perspective is your goal. In a future article I will address the subject of witnessing in great detail. As you begin to watch your responses to what is happening, it will become more and more obvious to you that you do, indeed, create your own suffering, and that suffering does NOT come from your environment. This will make it more and more difficult for you to keep creating it. As this happens, a whole new world opens up for you, and believe me, you'll like it! So keep meditating, and resolve to practice the witness perspective until it becomes easy for you. Next month: The Principle of Threshold -- insight into dysfunctional emotional problems and how you can put an end to anger, fear, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and other types emotional suffering. Bill Harris is director of Centerpointe Research Institute. To find out more about Centerpointe Research Institute, and to receive a free Holosync demo cassette or CD and Special Report, visit www.centerpointe.com or call 1 (800) 945-2741 or (503) 672-7117. Copyright © 2003 Bill Harris |
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