| Leadership and the New Millennium by Trent Nelson The topic of leadership has always been interesting and perplexing to me. As a boy, like most boys do, I looked to the adults around me to learn what leadership was, and my wonderful parents were able to deliver enough of this knowledge to help get me through to high school, be a "good person" and make some friends along the way. But there was always a quality that seemed to be missing from my understanding, at no fault of my upbringing (I have amazing parents who overcame a lot to become the people they are). Call it soulful leadership or the warrior spirit or just plain heart-feltness. Like so many people I felt a "lion-heart" inside of me, a longing to be expressive and "heard" by the world. But, like a lot of people, I would bury this frustrated spirit deep in my belly, smile and try to politely make my way through the world. When my feelings of anger, sadness or even intense joy took over, I would rebel and become completely outrageous and do anything for attention. Both became a way to hide how I really felt. Leadership became a topic that constantly gnawed at my belly. I would see movies where James Bond seemed to be a leader. He was always winning the fight, having the cool gadgets and winning the girl. My Father and I used to watch M*A*S*H almost every evening together and I used to think that Hawkeye Pierce, played by Alan Alda as one of the head surgeons, with his quick wit and ability to keep his sense of humor amongst all of the bloodshed and carnage of war, was a true leader. I remember as a young boy watching, "The Karate Kid" and praying that I would find a "Mr. Miage" to show me the ways of...something, anything that might teach me some balance, perseverance, and strength to overcome obstacles that always seemed lacking in me. I would always find myself cracking a joke around the other kids as a way to hide my insecurities, true feelings and frustrated passions. I would give up, saying to myself, "I didn't really care anyways." Alienated and frustrated Speaking my true feelings never seemed possible and I would head home from school feeling, like most kids, alienated and frustrated about teachers and learning and I would wind up hiding. My soul ached for the teaching that would unlock my deep feelings of discontent with myself and, of course, the world around me. I was looking for something to transform my soul. Before I became a healer/bodyworker/teacher nearly 10 years ago now, I was in the music business working for a record company and video producer, still looking around and searching for the meaning of leadership. In that dog-eat-dog environment, I found leadership meant getting things done no matter who got in your way, stepping on people, winning at any cost and one-upping your buddy. At the end of the day, it wasn't who you'd helped, it was who you'd dominated and proven yourself superior to. All of this seemed like stepping-stones to something...but I didn't know what. I remember the day I walked in to my first "Unlimited Body" workshop in Omaha, Neb., and meeting what, for many years, became my "life teacher." I would like to share that meeting with you and how it changed my view on true leadership. The new instructor I had recently become a nationally certified massage therapist and had brought my table with me to share with the group of excited workshop participants and was taking it out of its carrying case when my new instructor walked into the room. After working with lots of teachers in my bodywork training, I expected a similar story, some nice person who had a good technical understanding of the bodywork technique he was about to deliver to the audience of about 20 people. After years of learning psychology through the study of many, including Jung and Freud, as well as attending numerous Anthony Robbins workshops and reading all of his "pump you up" books and tapes, I'd developed a kind of "fake it, till you make it" mentality, and everyone I met would get a happy smile and a hearty handshake, whether that's how I felt or not. Hiding seemed to be the game that got me ahead, as long as I kept my true feelings on the back burner. "Don't make any waves and smile nicely, and things will work out all right" became my mantra. It was like I never really saw the person I was talking with. I just wanted to "be in charge" or "get it right." When I turned around to shake the instructor's hand I was met by what seemed at the time like a giant teddy-bear of a man with gleaming eyes that saw right through me, right into all of my problems, insecurities, self-doubt and loathing and, thankfully, right through to something I'd never seen for myself...my true value, heart-value and a knowing that at the core of me, was something good and innocent and worth finding, worth healing and enjoying and even worth sharing with others. My handshake was left behind for a big hug and I knew I was in trouble. The look I got from my instructor wasn't the kind of look that was born of a desire to "get me to do something" or even to make friends with me. It was a sight that looked past everything I'd done wrong and even past the walls and layer-after-layer of "Trent" personality I'd worked so hard to concoct. He looked past the cool guy who knew what he was doing, knew how to get the girl, knew how to smile and tell a good joke. He looked and saw a jewel that would take me some time to truly unlock and live with. Dissection Now, I was no dummy at the time. Like I said, I'd studied Jungian and Freudian psychology, studied Anthony Robbins and Wayne Dyer's books relentlessly. I'd poured over anatomy books and learned about the human body. I learned at an early age to "figure people out" in an attempt to create an impenetrable and invulnerable self. So, of course, the first thing I did was attempt to completely dissect and tear this person, who looked at me so lovingly, to pieces and find the "chink" in his armor, his "Achilles Heel," so to speak. There must be a trick to this guy that would give me an "Aha, so that's his game" righteous feeling. Then I could walk out of another training feeling like I had figured another "supposed leader" out. The thing that amazed me with this person and this new style of leadership was that, in the past, I always felt like I was at least as smart as my teachers, but there was always this unwritten rule to just sit back, be respectful, take the test and hope for the best. It seemed I was supposed to choke on my intelligence and questioning nature, and when we'd leave class everyone would down-talk about the teacher or the leader, but never say it out loud in the moment -- and especially not to his face. I think the whole purpose of groups of people who smoke outside of buildings, schools and corporations everywhere is just to pour out frustrations to each other about the people in leadership roles inside. Somehow all of that bottled up energy and emotional combustion needs to seep out. Completely invited The difference with this person was that all of my questioning, even what I look back on as verbal confrontations that would last for long periods of time, debates and skepticism, were completely invited. This person had no defenses. Every area I had questions about, every time I would see an incongruity, every time I would throw out a hook or a jab, it was met with a smile and a softness that my jabbing arms would simply melt into and an honest answer that never made me "wrong" and never left me hanging. "Never give up until you get an answer that makes sense to you," he would say. Sometimes my questions required time to think and he wouldn't just throw out an "I know everything" answer. Sometimes we would sit down and figure it out together, even though I knew he already knew the answer. Sometimes I would get frustrated and blame. He understood that there was an interaction going on, a process that needed to be played out, boundaries to be tested, a gentle patience to help me see for myself that the answers were already in me, waiting to be revealed at just the right time. The other thing that impressed me so much about this person was that he didn't really care whether he had students or not, whether there was anyone to "lead" or not. This is where I found the component of true leadership. There was no leading as I'd known it. This person simply had passion for the things he was talking about, an unbridled enthusiasm for life. It wasn't even teaching. It wasn't trying to tell people what to do (I was way too rebellious for that). It was just simply enjoying the things that were happening and a willingness to share what he'd been through in walking down a spiritual path with his former teachers. An invitation to interrupt, question, walk around, just be myself. True leadership In him there was an excitement, born out of pain. It was pain that had been healed, and joy that replaced it and people could feel it. Here was true leadership. Not a cut and dry, "this is the way it is" mentality, but an organic weaving, recognition of people's need to test things out, get frustrated, question, "lose it" and let go of defenses. There was little marketing for the workshops because he was too busy enjoying life, too busy involved with people to be worrying about where the people would come from, though he was willing to share much experience on all topics, not just bodywork. As a former Tibetan Buddhist monk, he noticed right away that I had concocted all kinds of rules and "shoulds" that were getting in my way. "Anything that you need to say no to owns you" he said. I remember that statement as being important, and I found that eating a pizza, after being a strict vegetarian for two years, was an overwhelming delight. Once I said "yes" to the pizza, the craving and hidden longings at the supermarket were gone. "Intelligence" and "getting it right" were replaced by patience and compassion -- and above all, enthusiasm. I remember one profound statement that has stuck with me through the years: "Would you rather be right, or have fun? Because if you need to be right, then someone else has to be wrong and that is not a fun interaction. Just enjoy people and all their games, quirks, insecurities and defenses." Love them no matter what. I found it I'd found what I'd been looking for. I'd found true leadership. What I've defined it as since is simply a desire to share your present-time thoughts and feelings with others with no attachment as to whether anybody "gets it" or not, follows or not, does what you tell them to or not. It's sticking with people through the ups and downs that a true healing path takes. Share, even if there's no one to share with. More than once I remember walking in to a workshop room and found my teacher talking to nobody. "What are you doing?" I would ask with a smirk. He would laugh and say that talking was like giving yourself an internal massage. "It just feels good to hear yourself, doesn't it?" I started giving it a try and he was right. It did feel good just to talk. "In Spain, everyone talks simultaneously, nobody listens at dinner, nobody understands what anybody is talking about, but man do they have fun." "But what if someone has something important to say?" I asked. "Everyone has something important to say, all the time. As soon as you put rules on who should say what for how long and then how long it's appropriate to listen for, you start to control, and control leads to death. If you have something that truly needs to be heard, then by all means we'll listen. Otherwise, just enjoy your own expression." I liked that attitude. This wasn't rebellion, it wasn't I don't care what you feel. It was never out of harmony. It just felt like freedom. This became a new model for leadership for me, and I've seen it work very well for many years in many situations. Lead by example, lead by enjoyment and passion, lead by no-leading. Just love what you do and the audience, and your healing path, will appear. Trent Nelson is a Master Unlimited Body and Unlimited Breath practitioner and Teacher. He can be reached for private sessions or workshops at (612) 308-8813. Copyright © 2003 Trent Nelson |
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